We sing about jingle bells, Joy to the World, and kisses under the mistletoe, but where’s the carol for the frazzled young family that got run over, not by a reindeer, but by holiday expectations and the juggling act of family traditions? Holiday cheer fades when family wishes conflict with our priorities, gift expectations force unwanted spending, in-laws ignore efforts to leave and cleave, FOO (family of origin) traditions trump ours, and we still haven’t recovered from last year’s ragged race from house to house.  

Where do we turn for help with boundaries? What does God say, and how do we understand and establish biblical boundaries? 

Are Boundaries Biblical? 

In the beginning, God ordered the formless void and stated our purpose to reflect his image in the world (see Genesis 1:2-26). Throughout scripture, his clearly defined limits, or boundaries, explain how to live his way, experience his goodness, and bless others (including the difficult ones) (see Genesis 12:2). 

When humans violate God’s limits, it’s called sin, and chaos ensues. The conundrum isn’t to limit or not to limit, but how to observe his perimeters and hold them up to others. When we trust God and apply his word in ordinary, dysfunctional, disordered relationships or situations, our obedience restores order for us and reveals his character and truth to others.  

While God permits trials and persecution to advance his kingdom, and he allows us to suffer for the gospel, he doesn’t command us to offer ourselves as a target for another’s abuse. If you or a loved one are in danger, get out. Get safe, get help, and stay safe.  

Where Do I Start? 

When you need a boundary, the biblical place to start is in God’s Word as you examine your own heart, motives, priorities, and choices. These questions might help: 

Whose limit has been violated, God’s or my own personal preferences, and who overstepped, me or another person?  

If it’s me, I need to change. If it’s the other person, I can stand firm in God’s limits in a manner that exhibits his image to them (see no. 3).  

What has God already said about this person, relationship, or circumstance? 

God commands us to honor our parents, so no matter what, we must value and give weight to their needs (not necessarily wants). He limits work to six days. When faced with an expectation or request, we can know God prioritizes rest. God requires us to meet together with other believers for our benefit, so church and body-community shouldn’t be the first commitment we sacrifice for order when we’ve over-extended ourselves. 

What attribute of God does the other person need to experience?  

We imitate God’s character when we treat others with the lovingkindness, longsuffering, and endless grace and mercy with which he treats us, not because we deserve it, but because he loves us. This is how we bear his image, even to those who harm, hate, persecute, mock, and generally complicate our lives and make gatherings less than desirable. Hard? Yes! Supernatural? Yes, that too. It will be the work of his Spirit in us as we, in faith, walk in his ways. 

What is your heart motive? 

Allegiance to God’s glory requires us to endure honest self-examination, uncomfortable conversations, and unpleasant situations. If I find my identity in being needed, wanted, and included, I may ignore limits to please people and avoid FOMO.  

What are your limits?  

Ask yourself: 

  • What parameters protect your life and heart from chaos? 
  • What exhausts you spiritually, emotionally, and physically? 
  • What limits sustain the energy, rest, and sleep you need? 
  • What are your time and financial constraints? 

Your answers can help you discern the boundaries you need (not what others need, because you are the only adult you can control. See No. 6 below.) As a young mom, I wanted to do it all and disregarded God’s priorities and limits. Like a pressure cooker, I exploded on my kids. God broke my heart with my sin, and I don’t struggle with rage anymore, but if I exceed God’s limits, my fuse shortens, my attitude sours, and you’re not likely to see God’s image or character in me. 

Do you feel responsible for someone else?  

We are free to determine the location and duration of time spent with others, including parents and in-laws. With respect, we’re not responsible for another person’s expectations, opinions, or feelings about our God-honoring decisions. If we don’t live with our parents or take money from them, we’re no longer biblically bound to obey them, invite them to weigh in on our decisions, or give them explanations. However, loving, truthful communication can be a great way to honor God and them.  

When you wish you could say yes but need to say no, is there a yes you can give?  

Maybe your parents want you to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day in their home. You are well within God’s boundaries to say, “We’re going to spend Christmas day at home, but we’d love to come for Christmas Eve, or we’d love for you to join us after lunch Christmas day.” It’s their choice to take it, leave it, or suggest an alternative that honors your limit to be home.

If you’re the parent or in-law and your kids’ decisions disrupt longstanding traditions, may I empathetically encourage you to process your disappointment with a close friend, and then adjust your expectations and plans? We celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas on the eves. It was tough at first, but James and I developed new traditions that safeguard my heart from bitter disappointment over the loss of old ones. 

Make your lists, check them twice, and pray for wisdom, clarity, and courage with the naughty and the nice. Trust God as you live within his limits for his glory, then expectantly watch as he brings “peace on the earth (and) goodwill to men from heaven’s all-gracious King” (lyrics from It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, but long before that, Luke 2:14).