“I wash my hands in innocence and go around your altar, oh Lord, proclaiming thanksgiving aloud, and telling all your wondrous deeds.” – Psalm 26:6-7
I am a writer. I went to school for it. Oddly enough, though, I often delay sharing the things I write because I feel like my efforts aren’t good enough to share. They seem neither engaging nor meaningful, so I put them off, thinking, ‘Maybe I’ll come up with something better next week.
This is what it feels like to struggle with perfectionism.
What Exactly Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is, according to Psychology Today, “a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. When healthy, it can motivate you to overcome adversity and achieve success. When unhealthy, it can be a fast and enduring track to unhappiness”.
Perfectionism does not exactly “ride solo” in terms of mentalities or psychological disorders. According to an article in BBC, “perfectionistic tendencies have been linked to a laundry list of clinical issues: depression and anxiety (even in children), self-harm, social anxiety disorder,” along with a bunch of other conditions that manifest in negative ways.
How Perfectionism Can Manifest
The problem with perfectionism is that if you do not think you will do something perfectly, there is no point in trying. While this means that everything you end up doing is “perfect” (according to the standards you set for yourself), honestly, there is an awful lot you do not even attempt to try.
Realistically, I know that I cannot be perfect. Still, glaring mistakes make me feel automatically uncomfortable and ashamed, as though I have committed significant sin against those around me. They will now be disappointed in me and think less of me.
I suppose that is the horrible thing about anxiety and perfectionism: Whether it is rational or irrational does not change how you feel.
Someone can tell you it is stupid to fear thunder because it can’t hurt you, but that likely won’t stop you from dreading storms or hating thunder. It is the same with the fear of being imperfect. Knowing it is not reasonable does not make it any less real or scary.
Perfectionism means holding yourself to an impossible standard you would not expect anyone to live up to. When you think you may be too hard on yourself, ask, “Would I expect anyone else to be like this?” If you are truly honest with yourself, the answer is likely no.
Perfectionists As Friends and Employees
It sounds great to have a student or employee with perfectionism because who does not want someone on their team who strives for the absolute best in everything they do? However, it can be a more considerable downfall than people initially think. Perfectionists generally bristle at any criticism, constructive or not. Every error that gets pointed out feels like a personal attack on someone with perfectionism, and they will likely not seek feedback from this person.
This is a shame because if our friends and peers are not allowed to challenge and push us to grow personally and professionally, they are not our friends and peers. They just become people we happen to see when going about our lives, held at arms’ length because we do not like what they tell us.
How You Can Fight Perfectionism
Now that you know a bit about what perfectionism is and how it can manifest, I would like to give you some ideas on how to fight your perfectionist urges or tips to give to your friends or family members who struggle with perfectionism.
Tip One: Practice critiquing your work when completing assignments or projects, noting your strengths and weaknesses.
Critical feedback is incredibly intimidating for perfectionists because we go out of our way to avoid it. Fear of the unknown is one of the most basic fears. However, blending positive and negative feedback into your critiques can make the process less frightening and harsh. Over time, you may find yourself reacting less strongly when others critique you or your work.
Tip Two: Practice looking unbiasedly at your work and yourself by pretending to evaluate a peer or coworker and their work instead.
We are often our own worst critics. If this is true for “normal” people, it is even more valid for perfectionists. I have frequently had times where I have been working myself to the bone on something, obsessed with it being perfect, and I asked myself: would I be this hard on anyone else?
The answer is generally no because that would be cruel and ridiculous. So, having come to that realization, what comes next?
Tip Three: Turn your perceived “failure” into a learning experience for yourself and a way to grow.
Sometimes, the most challenging part of failure for a perfectionist is moving on from it. It takes a ridiculous amount of time to reach the point where you say, “Okay. I acknowledge that I messed up here. Let’s figure out the best way to move forward and not make the same mistake again”. Sometimes, you need to push yourself to accept your “failure” instead of trying to ignore it to keep up your fragile projection of perfection.
Moving Forward & Away from Perfectionism
Perfectionism is like any other extreme state of mind, like pessimism, nihilism, or even veganism (totally kidding). We all tend to fall into extreme ways of thinking from time to time, and some of us need reminders a bit more frequently that we do not have to be perfect in everything we do. As a society, we have been taught to loathe failing or making mistakes, as we believe they somehow mean that we are unskilled or unknowledgeable. However, the contrary is true. Overall, we learn more from our failures than from our successes. When we succeed, we do not feel the need to improve or listen to constructive feedback. However, when we fail or fall short, we are more open to advice and changing our strategies.
Additionally, as Christians, we can take comfort in knowing that we are not expected to meet our self-imposed perfectionistic standards, only to strive to look more like Jesus daily. Of course, we want to glorify God in everything we do, but this does not mean we should add extra pressure on ourselves. Learning is a process, and when done for the glory of God, even imperfect works are beautiful.
When we are doing our best and giving God all of the glory, any perfectionist thoughts that try to invalidate our hard work should go in one ear and out the other, as they hold no truth and have no power over you. Rejoice in your failures because they do not define you. Only God does that.